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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24095128">a thousand bad times</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostideas/pseuds/Lostideas'>Lostideas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cake, Enemies to Lovers, First Time, High School AU, Homophobia, M/M, Medical Trauma, car blowjob, descriptions of violence, luke is a sweety but conflicted, not described in detail but mentioned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:07:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,311</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24095128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostideas/pseuds/Lostideas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Then The New Kid lets Calum’s arm go with a push, almost like a warning. Calum has barely taken a breath before the boy runs off again.</p><p>or; Calum is out in Montana. Luke is running from himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a thousand bad times</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I had a thousand bad times, so what's another time to me?</em>
</p><h1>
  <strike>,</strike>
</h1><p>Calum breathes out slowly as he lets his head hang back between his shoulders. He has his eyes closed, his face warmed by the sunrays coming through the leaves of the trees high above him. He is lying on his back, propped up on his elbows on a soft patch of grass by a small lake just outside of Miles City, Montana. The speaker next to him is playing Gus Dapperton.</p><p>Calum can hear his friends’ screams echo over the water – Ashton, Michael and Michael’s girlfriend Anouk. They drove out today in Ashton’s pick-up to enjoy what is most likely the last nice day of summer. Calum is not really a swimmer himself; he would rather sunbathe and take in his surroundings. The thick line of trees shielding the lake from the road, the light falling through their leaves and the smell of the lake that is not particularly nice but so familiar that it’s hard not to love it. He opens his eyes and notices his friends getting out of the water; Michael pushing himself up onto the wooden docks build right by the edge of the water, flapping flat on his tummy and rolling over in a weird attempt-at ninja move. Ashton climbs out with a lot more prudence. Together they help lifting Anouk out.</p><p>His friends run towards him and Michael, like the childish guy he his, shakes out his purple hair right above Calum. He groans and flips Michael off.</p><p>‘How’s the water?’ He asks them. Ashton flops down beside him and grabs a towel out of his backpack, drying his face and hands.</p><p>‘It’s good.’ He answers, his curls dripping onto his toned back. Ashton is probably the fittest of them all; Michael loves snacks way too much and Calum is too lazy. But Ashton actually goes to the gym regularly and gets to enjoy the results of his hard work. He is the kind of guy that is sort of liked or at the very least tolerated by everyone. He and Calum have been friends since childhood, and so he claims the best-friend role, but Ashton is well-liked. It is thus not very surprising to Calum when Ashton pulls his phone out of his backpack and shows him a whatsapp message; an invitation to a back-to-school house party.</p><p>‘I don’t know that address.’ Calum answers.</p><p>‘It’s from a new kid.’ Ashton answers. ‘Near the country club. You wanna go?’</p><p>‘Go where?’ Michael chimes in. He is sitting on Calum’s other side, Anouk in-between his legs. Michael and Anouk got to know each other the first year of high school and have been together pretty much from the very first moment their eyes met. Miles City is, much like the rest of Montana, conservative. Whenever Michael and Anouk walk the hallways of their school hand-in-hand with their matching, monthly changing coloured hair people jump out of the way. Which is silly, considering the absolute dork his friend truly is. Michael and Calum first became friends because, well, outcasts stick together.</p><p>‘A party.’ Ashton says.</p><p>‘Always!’ Michael answers. Calum knows Michael will be pretty quickly un-invited when he does show up at the party, but that doesn’t stop his friend from barging in and unapologetically being himself. Calum admires that about him.</p><p>‘Let’s get some food and clean up then.’ Ashton says, standing up and grabbing his backpack. Calum stretches himself out over the grass and moans.</p><p>‘Slut.’ Anouk comments as she slaps his stomach. Calum groans and sits up again.</p><p>‘Okay you devil worshipper, god damn.’ Calum reacts, standing up. Anouk laughs.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, they’re pilled up on Ashton’s couch. It’s dark outside and the temperature has finally gone down a little bit. The sliding doors to Ashton’s yard are open, letting in the humid evening air. They’re watching Are You The One on MTV, one of Calum’s guilty pleasures.</p><p>‘I sort of always assumed that the LGBT community was made completely of sane and highly educated people.’ Ashton mumbles, referring to the all-bisexual cast of the newest season. ‘I was wrong.’</p><p>‘Queers can be trashy too.’ Calum agrees.</p><p>‘I should’ve known.’ Ashton answers, grinning at Calum who flips him off. Ashton finishes his beer and looks over at Michael, half-asleep on his back with Anouk on his chest.</p><p>‘Are you guys still up for it?’ He asks with a soft voice, smiling at his friend. Michael looks down at a sleeping Anouk and slowly shakes his head.</p><p>‘Man, the sun took me out.’ He answers. ‘You know I’d love to go over there and heathen up their party and all, but I can’t even move my toes.’</p><p>Ashton laughs as he stands up. His eyes land on Calum.</p><p>‘Don’t make me go on a solo endeavour.’ He says. Calum knows that Ashton is the kind of guy that would never really be on his own at any kind of party, but he shakes his head still.</p><p>‘No, I’m coming with you.’</p><p>Ashton nods and picks up the empty beer cans from the coffee table. He walks to the kitchen, throws them out and grabs his keys off the counter.</p><p>‘You know where the spare keys are right Mike?’ He asks. Michael nods, a lazy smile on his face. He is seconds away from falling asleep. Calum and Ashton walk in silence, out of the house, to Ashton’s pick-up. Calum loves the car; it has been their sole way of transportation ever since Ashton bought it. The car represents way more than an easy way to get around; it represents freedom. It represents the countless adventures they’ve been on together. Calum slips into the drivers seat and clicks on his seatbelt as Ashton starts the car.</p><p>‘This new kid, you know him?’ Calum asks as they drive away from Ashton’s house. His headlights illuminate the road before them, the inside of the car is dark. Calum feels safe and cosy.</p><p>‘No, but I guess he already knows some people at school. I heard he’s from Salt Lake City.’ Ashton answers.</p><p>‘Why the fuck would someone move from Salt Lake City to Miles City.’ Calum mumbles. ‘There is literally nothing here.’</p><p>‘Maybe he’s got a deep, dark secret.’ Ashton says, making Calum laugh. They don’t talk much more on the short drive across town. Miles City is practically a ghost town; the streets are quiet and dark as they glide through them. Calum feels so comfortable with Ashton in the car that he almost doesn’t want to get out as they approach an unfamiliar cull-the-sac with wide sidewalks and large front yards. It’s a world away from Calum’s small house just outside the town centre, or Ashton’s simple apartment. Apparently The New Kid comes from money.<br/>All stone houses are quiet and dark except for one at the very end. The music is blasting, Calum can hear it over their own radio playing a random pop song.</p><p>But Ashton parks somewhere down the street and opens the driver’s door, letting in the warm, humid evening air. Calum steps out of the car too, a wave of nervousness coming over him as he looks at the house, buzzing with life. There’s people dancing behind the windows, people on the porch drinking out of solo cups and the whole thing looks almost ominous to Calum.</p><p>Ashton locks his car and looks over the roof, staring at Calum who answers his look with a reassuring smile. They’ve been friends for so long, they don’t even need words anymore. In his look Calum can say that he is nervous but not afraid. That he will not let himself shy away from places like this because of some people that make him feel like shit. That he will not let his life be compromised.</p><p>‘Let’s party.’ Ashton says. To Calum it sounds almost like a battle cry.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Calum follows Ashton into the kitchen; booze central. The speakers are blasting Tove Lo and Ashton is greeted by random people along the way. They give Calum uneasy smiles or just nod at him. He prefers it when they don’t even try at all.</p><p>Calum’s mood lifts as Ashton hands him a drink. His friend has a way of effortlessness that can rub off on Calum most of the time, making him more relaxed. Ashton nods his head towards the living room where bodies are pressed together dancing. Neon blue and purple lights are flashing and it looks like an actual night-club. Calum grins and follows Ashton to the floor. They jump and dance around for a while, the music seeping deep into Calum’s core and taking his worries away. Ashton has a wide smile on his face, his curls bouncing around as they move. After a few songs, the speakers start blasting a slower, sensual song. Calum knows it; it’s a Flume remix of a Disclosure song he likes. The bodies around him change their rhythm and the whole world seems to slow down. Taken over by the music Calum lets go. His hips move slowly from side to side and his arms slide down his body. Calum knows he can dance, knows he got agility in his muscles. His eyes are closed for the most part, but when they open they lock eyes with a boy across the room. The intensity of their eye-contact tells him the boy has been looking at him for a while. It feels as though the boy reached across the room from where he’s standing and slapped Calum across the face. He is leaning against the armrest of a chair, arms crossed, dressed in all black. The look he gives Calum holds so much hate it stops the boy dead in his tracks. He is standing there, on the middle of the dancefloor, still like a statue. He feels his face heat up, embarrassed, and makes his way out of the crowd quickly. He can’t see Ashton anymore. He needs air.</p><p>He gently pushes some people out of the way as he makes his way outside, through the front door. His drink is long lost and he wraps his arms around himself as he walks down the porch, across the front yard to the left side of the house, where there is a small gravel pathway between the house and the garden fence. It’s dark and deserted there. The night air is still warm and Calum wonders what time it is. He feels embarrassed for letting go like that in such a crowded space; all with people who go to his school. He feels more embarrassed about how this guy only needed a single look to catapult Calum back into his old insecurities. His face feels hot and his heart is beating fast.</p><p>He stands there for a while, leaning against the side of the house. The stones are cold, they feel nice on his heated skin and help him calm down. After a while he feels calmer; ready to go back in, get Ashton and tell him it’s probably time to leave. But when he turns to make his way back into the house he is greeted by the exact same boy that gave him the look. Calum didn’t hear him coming – he sucks in a quick breath and tenses up. It’s just the two of them in the dark. Calum feels a familiar panic settling deep into his bones like and old, unwanted acquaintance. He remembers parking lots, parks, the back of the school building. There are little places he hasn’t been threatened or beat up at in this town.</p><p>‘Why the fuck are you here?’ The guy is the first to break the silence. His voice is clear, boy-ish, almost nice to Calum’s ears if it weren’t for the words he was saying. He doesn’t sound particularly angry; more annoyed. As if Calum is an inconvenience, like a blown out lightbulb, something the boy has to go and <em>deal with</em>. Calum can make out the contours of his face and his piercing blue eyes. He doesn’t speak, just sort of observes the boy. He is taller than Calum, with curly dirty blond hair. He is wearing black skinny jeans, Vans sneakers and a black t-shirt that’s been washed too many times so that it’s all faded.</p><p>‘Are you fucking deaf?’ He says now, aggravated. Calum narrows his eyes and looks straight at him; this boy that is taunting him, this boy that made him feel like shit just because he likes to dance, this boy that represents everything that keeps him from being himself in this godforsaken place. Calum feels a strong rage building up in his stomach, one that he has felt many times before but could never direct at anything, an anger that has now grown into something almost like a hunger he has never been able to satisfy. But Calum is not the type to hit anyone. Instead, he finally speaks.</p><p>‘Do you think I am impressed by you?’ Calum says then, his voice icy. The boy opens his mouth to say something but doesn’t. He looks puzzled.</p><p>‘Do you think this whole act of yours phases me?’ Calum continues. ‘Listen you little asshole, I’ve been gay in Montana far too long for you to come here and make me feel bad about something that is perfectly fine. There’s been hundreds of you. You are nothing special to me, there’s nothing you can say that I haven’t heard before and frankly, it’s boring as fuck.’</p><p>He takes a breath and takes a step towards the boy. He reacts by balling his fists and tensing up. His body looks ready to fight but his eyes are unsure, quickly moving between somewhere behind Calum, his chest and then back up to his eyes again. Calum’s heart is racing. He is vulnerable, but he knows he’s not weak.</p><p>‘Stay away from me, <em>faggot</em>.’ The boy then spits out at him.</p><p>‘Why would I want to be around a person like you?’ Calum says, his voice a bit shaky now. After the anger always comes the sadness; he can feel the adrenaline flow out of him and leave him with nothing but exhaustion.</p><p>‘Just leave me alone.’ He adds before slipping past the boy and quickly walking away from the house, onto the pavement. His heart is racing, scared the boy might follow him, but when he casts a look over his shoulder he finds he is walking alone away from the house. It will be a good hour walk home but he doesn’t want to go back in, doesn’t want to spend another second around that house. The walk will be good for him too, it’ll help him defuse the tension he feels in his whole body. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, quickly sends Ashton a text that he’s OK and heading home and then releases a shaky breath. He is frustrated as he wipes the tears out of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>‘Back to school, y’all!’ Michael screams with fake enthusiasm as he climbs onto the backseat of Ashton’s pick-up. He grabs both front seats by the shoulders and attempts to shake them.</p><p>‘Shut uuuuup.’ Calum groans. He is almost curled up in the front seat, his legs pulled up to his chest and his arms around them. He’s been on edge ever since the party, dreading going back to school when he, while telling Ashton about it, learned that his little encounter was with The Already Immensely Popular New Kid. Ashton immediately swore to never befriend him, which was about as far as Ashton’s wrath would go. That was okay with Calum; Ashton is soft and kind to his core and Calum likes that about him, would never want to change that about him. Ashton learns him to battle these kind of things by spreading more love rather than hate.</p><p>‘You, my friend, are tense.’ Michael comments, a little confused. He grabs Calum’s shoulders and starts massaging him with somewhat poor technique. Calum appreciates the gesture anyway and releases a sigh.</p><p>‘Sorry.’ He mumbles. ‘Don’t wanna go.’</p><p>‘Understandable.’ Michael reacts. ‘It’s a hell-hole. Which kind of means we are practicing, no?’</p><p>Calum smiles a little. Michael gets told he is going to hell almost every day by his religious parents and the boy exclusively references this in jokes, which Calum knows is his way of coping. The rest of the way to school Calum imagines them pilling up in Ashton’s truck like they are right now, maybe even along with Anouk, why not, and they would just drive. Leaving Miles City. Leaving Montana. To California, or New York, or Florida. Somewhere cool. Somewhere more accepting. Maybe even Canada?</p><p>Too soon they pull up into the school’s parking lot. The sun is shining but the air is not too hot, autumn now finally approaching the centre of Montana. Calum follows Ashton and Michael into school, almost as if he could hide behind them. Ashton and his soft yet strong exterior, Michael and his rebellious carelessness. But Calum knows that he needs to stand on his own two feet, needs to keep fighting his own battles. Even if they are unfair. Even if he’s worn to the bones.</p><p>Its not long before he sees him. Fate spares Calum nothing. He is leaning with his arms crossed over his chest, much like at the party, against a row of lockers. He is surrounded by a couple of people Calum has never spoken to. His clothes haven’t changed much either; still black skinny jeans, black t-shirt and those Vans. Calum carefully picked out his outfit in the morning; blue faded mom jeans and a light yellow t-shirt. As he walks passed The New Kid he wears it almost as a statement. Look at me. Look at my gayness. I hope it ruins your fucking day.</p><p>They lock eyes for a second, but Calum looks away. He tunes back into some story Michael is telling them, trying to focus on his friends rather than people that make him sad.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Calum is running. It’s the hottest point of the day and sweat is dripping down his back. Ashton is far in front of him, Michael far behind. The track field behind the school is quiet except for three classes of students, dressed in the school’s gym uniform, running in small groups. Through his earphones Calum is blasting Katy Perry, the kind of music that’s only really safe to play when you are doing something by yourself. He regulates his breath with his feet hitting the ground, the sun shining in his eyes, Katy singing about the one that got away. He doesn’t necessarily <em>like </em>running but it does help clear his mind. He is deep in thought, but at some point his eyes focus on the next person in front of him.</p><p>The New Kid is wearing long sweatpants. The muscles in his arms are flexed and his hair is tied up in a bun on the back of his head. Calum looks him up and down; his broad shoulders, the curve of his lower back and the visible veins in his forearms. He remembers the words the boy spoke to him a few days ago and shivers despite the heat. Calum was playing tough out of anger, but he knows damn well this guy could beat the shit out of him if he wanted to.</p><p>Calum approaches him slowly. He plans to run past him without even looking up, as casual as he can. No big deal, just two guys in gym class running. But his heartbeat seems even faster now. Something deep in his mind tells him to extend his hand and feel the boys back muscles move, but Calum pushes it far away. No, you fucking horny teenage brain. He wants <em>nothing </em>to do with this boy. But when his body is right next to the boy he can’t help but look sideways, only to catch his bright blue eyes and immediately trip over his feet.</p><p>The New Kid is on him in a split second. Before Calum can hit the ground, a strong arm grabs him by his bicep. He is dragged upwards roughly and regains his balance, his feet struggling to find the ground again. For a second he is inches away from the boy. Something twists in his chest; it feels almost like he is being punched. He can see the freckles on his nose, the angry look in his piercing blue eyes. He smells like soap.</p><p>Then The New Kid lets Calum’s arm go with a push, almost like a warning. Calum has barely taken a breath before the boy runs off again.</p><p>Calum is so gobsmacked he stands there nailed to the ground. His bicep burns where the kid touched him. At some point, Michael catches up with him. The smack he gives Calum on the back of his head is somewhat needed.</p><p> </p><p>Later, in the changing room, Calum looks for him. He is careful not to stare; god knows his head has been slammed into the lockers before just for lifting his eyelids in a place where boys undress. On his bicep, tiny bruises have formed from where he grabbed him. The New Kid is nowhere to be seen.</p><p> </p><h1>
  <strike>,</strike>
</h1><p> </p><p>Three weeks later, Calum is standing behind Michael in his small bathroom. Green splatters cover the floor, sink and Calum’s arms and chest. They’re both shirtless, Calum’s hands roaming through Michael’s hair. The dye is vibrant in the bright lighting of the bathroom, and Michael stares at himself intensely through the mirror. His hands are on the sink, his body leaning on it. Music is coming from downstairs, booming through the walls and making the mirror shake. Michael isn’t exactly considered ‘popular’, but their schoolmates would never pass up the opportunity to trash somebody else’s house.</p><p>‘I don’t need her.’ He spits. Calum doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have the right words. He just massages his friend’s scalp, trying to calm him down like that somehow. After a few more strokes, Michael bows his head and holds it under the warm tap. Green water slowly turns clear as Calum stands there waiting, his hands completely green and dripping dye on the tile floor. Michael lifts his head, shakes out his hair and half-ass dries it with a towel. He turns to Calum, his eyes angry, not quite looking at him.</p><p>‘There are plenty of bored girls in Miles City who want to make their parents angry.’</p><p>He slips past Calum, leaving him alone in the bathroom. He sighs, washing his hands in the sink. Calum wishes he could offer good advice or even consoling words. Ashton has always been so good at that. But when he tries, the words just don’t come out right or they don’t come out at all. He wishes he could just transfer his feelings to Michael somehow. That he could tell him how sorry he is to see his friends relationship end so…</p><p>‘Oh.’</p><p>Calum’s head jerks to the side. He’s met with blue eyes that he knows all too well.</p><p>Ever since that first party, The New Kid, or Luke as Calum should call him, pretty much established himself at their school and in their town. He hangs with popular, normal kids. The kind of kids that live in big houses like him, wear the same fashion as him. He started playing for their school’s football team and is pretty much on the top of every invite-list. Everyone adores him, but Calum doesn’t mind. He’s left him alone so far and that is really all the brunette can ask for.</p><p>But now he is standing in the doorway, wearing dark jeans and a leather jacket, looking Calum up and down and leaning against the doorframe unsteadily. Suddenly he is hyper-aware of his naked torso, covered in dark green splatters.</p><p>‘What the fuck happened here?’ Luke slurs. His voice is raspy and he looks annoyed. Calum is taken aback at how drunk he is.</p><p>‘I- I dyed Michael’s hair.’ Calum answers, awkward and unsure of what to say. He is nervous around Luke, but also feels that familiar anger rise up in his chest. He is in Michael’s house. This is <em>his </em>territory. If this boy thinks he can just come here and intimidate him…</p><p>‘Can you get out? I gotta piss.’ Luke says, slipping out of the doorframe. He trips and Calum is barely in time to catch him, his arms under Luke’s pits, their chests pressed together in an awkward almost-hug. Luke laughs almost hysterically and tries to regain his balance. Calum bumps into the sink behind him trying to steady them.</p><p>‘Woops.’ Luke giggles. Calum can guess how far away Luke is by how easily he lets himself be held up by him.</p><p>‘You’re really drunk.’ Calum states the obvious. Luke nods, seems to regain some clarity and steadies himself, his hands on Calum’s shoulders. Calum’s own arms fall back beside his body.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ He mumbles. He gives Calum a short, genuine smile. ‘Sorry.’</p><p>He turns to walk out of the bathroom but barely makes it to the stairs, tripping over his own feet again. Calum rushes to him again, dives under his arm and supports him with another arm wrapped around his waist before Luke can manage to take a face-first dive down the stairs. Luke lets himself be dragged into Michael’s room, adjacent to the bathroom. Calum sets him down on an old sofa in the corner of Michael’s room, turning around to click on Michael’s bedside light. He walks over to Michael’s dresser and pulls out one of his random t-shirts, pulling it over his head quickly to hide his naked torso from Luke. If there’s anything worse than being found in a secluded room with this drunk poplar kid, it would be being found partially undressed. He can already picture the type of perverse rumours that would generate.</p><p>‘You need to sober up a bit and go home.’ Calum mumbles.</p><p>‘Oh, sick.’ Luke says. When Calum turns back around he finds Luke in another corner of Michael’s room, picking up the Mike’s guitar.</p><p>‘Hey, don’t touch that.’ Calum says, sounding stressed. He walks over, trying to grab the guitar out of Luke’s hand, but the boy dodges him.</p><p>‘Sit!’ He commands, one hand holding the guitar by the neck and one hand pushing at Calum’s chest. Calum wants to protest harder, but he is a bit taken aback by the warmth of Luke’s hand in the middle of his chest and the boys weird behaviour; he has never seen Luke like this. He’s always so composed, relaxed in a way that seems uninterested. But now his eyes are sparkling and he seems so… full of life.</p><p>Calum lets himself be pushed back onto the sofa, Luke swinging the guitar strap over his shoulder and standing in front of him, loudly clearing his throat. Luke’s is still a bit wonky on his feet.</p><p>‘I.’ He declares, ‘Know a whole lotta Fleetwood Mac songs.’</p><p>‘I love…’ Calum begins, but Luke interrupts him.</p><p>‘Hush! It’s a silent concert. Be silent. This is… this is “Dreams” By Fleetwood Mac, except it’s by Luke Hemmings this time. If that’s okay.’</p><p>Luke comes closer and places his foot on the sofa, right next to Calum’s thigh. Calum blushes at the weird positioning and forces his eyes up to Luke’s face. It screws up in a weird way when he starts strumming. It takes him a while to get into the song, skipping the first few lines Calum can practically dream. But then he starts singing.</p><p>
  <em>‘But listen carefully to the sound, of your loneliness. Like a heartbeat drives you mad....’</em>
</p><p>Calum is blown away by the clear, beautiful sound of the boys voice. He slurs the words slightly, but it almost seems to add to the vibe of the song. This pretty, gentle sound seems so unfitting coming from the dressed-in-all-black bully he has in front of him. Calum can’t help himself, he chimes in;</p><p>
  <em>‘In the stillness of remembering what you had… and what you lost. And what you had, and what you lost…’</em>
</p><p>Luke jumps away from the couch and dances around as he plays the chorus, singing louder now.</p><p>
  <em>‘Thunder only happens when it’s raining! Players only love you when they’re playing!’</em>
</p><p>Calum can’t help but laugh, standing up from the couch and following Luke’s movements.</p><p>
  <em>‘Say women they will come and they will go, when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know… you’ll know…’</em>
</p><p>Luke keeps playing but he isn’t singing anymore, just laughing now. His laugh is a lovely sound to Calum’s ears, much nicer than the voice he puts on when he says awful stuff. He notices Luke’s eyes light up and his cheeks have dimples when he smiles uncontrollably like this. Calum could be anywhere at this point and it wouldn’t change a thing; this moment with Luke feels special to him. Who is this version of him? This version that he could actually like?</p><p>Then Luke stops playing and pulls the guitar strap from over his head. He wants to say something, but is interrupted by the door to Michael’s room slamming open.</p><p>Michael is in the doorway, dried up streams of green dye down his face and neck, a girl Calum barely knows half-visible behind him. Calum feels his face heat up. Michael’s goes from confused to furious, from Calum to Luke.</p><p>‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ he spits at Luke. His voice is loud and angry, making Calum cringe. He feels a strong need to defend Luke but finds his feet nailed to the ground and his mouth unable to open.</p><p>Michael stomps over to Luke and snatches his guitar out of Luke’s hand. ‘Don’t fucking touch that!’</p><p>‘Bro, calm down. I was just…’ Luke starts, his hands up in the air.</p><p>‘Shut the fuck up.’ Michael interrupts. ‘And get out of my house!’</p><p>Luke looks angry but doesn’t say anything back, just walks past Michael. When he passes Calum he deliberately rams his shoulder into Calum’s, which only results in Luke losing his own balance again and Calum having to steady him by grabbing his arm. Everything about the lovely, cheerful Luke he saw a minute ago has disappeared and made place for the boy he remembers.</p><p>‘Mike, he’s really drunk.’ Calum tries, pleading almost. ‘We should help him get…’</p><p>‘I. don’t. fucking. care.’ Michael grunts, looking up from inspecting his guitar as if Luke messed with it somehow.</p><p>Luke pulls his arm free from Calum aggressively and leaves the room without looking back.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Calum seems to gravitate towards Luke. He can’t help it. Whenever he turns the corners of the hallways at school, Luke would be on the other side of it. Whenever he daydreams in class and his eyes wonder, they manage to find the back of his head. Whenever he follows Michael or Ashton to a party, they will have an awkward moment where they almost speak before Luke seems to decide against it and go his separate way.</p><p>Calum thinks he’s beautiful. Calum also thinks he is hiding something. Where is the boy who sang him Fleetwood Mac? Calum decides it can’t be a drunk alter-ego. He catches a sort of energy from Luke he can’t place, but he is convinced Luke is not who he portraits to be.</p><p>Michael calls him delirious. Ashton warns him about unrequited love and potentially getting hurt by Luke. And Calum tries to listen, he really does. He tries to reason. But when he, two weeks after his drunken encounter with the boy on a Wednesday afternoon after his last class, catches Luke alone in the hallway by his locker, all reason is lost and he walks right up.</p><p>‘Hi.’ Calum says. His voice is loud in the empty hallway. Can Luke hear how his heart is hammering against his ribcage? Luke saw him approach but made no eye contact. Now, he dumps a book in his locker, slams the small door shut and raises his eyebrows at Calum; all without saying a word.</p><p>‘I’m Calum.’ He states, immediately mentally kicking himself for his lack of wit or charisma.</p><p>‘I know.’ Luke responds, his voice impatient.</p><p>‘I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?’ And Calum hates the way the words come out as a polite request, almost like a work e-mail would, but it’s the best he can do for now. The expression on Luke’s face barely changes.</p><p>‘And why would I hang out with you?’ He answers, his voice monotone.</p><p>And it hurts, it really does. It makes Calum’s face go all red and he stumbles over his words, trying to save the situation and also not to show he feels as though he was shot in the chest with a rifle.</p><p>‘I – I just thought, I don’t know. That we could be friends. You sang me Fleetwood Mac. That’s like my favourite band. You seemed pretty nice then and…’</p><p>Calum can’t finish his sentence because the air is slammed out of his lungs. His back is up against the lockers, the cold of the metal against the back of his head. Luke is inches away from him, his hands wrapped around Calum’s backpack straps.</p><p>‘That never happened.’ Luke spits at him. Calum can’t speak, just nods. Luke looks at him for a few more seconds, seemingly debating what to do, and then lets go. Calum hates himself for it, but he can’t keep the sob from coming out. A single tear runs down his cheek and he quickly wipes it away. Luke is only about two feet away from him, the hallway still empty. As he makes eye contact, Luke’s facial expression has changed. He looks pained.</p><p>‘I’m sorry.’ Luke chokes out. He awkwardly extends his hand, then draws it back again. ‘I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.’</p><p>Calum doesn’t answer. He turns and runs.</p><p> </p><p> </p><h1>
  <strike>,</strike>
</h1><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘You were right.’ Calum mumbles. He is sitting on the edge of Ashton’s bed. Michael is spread out over one side of it, Ashton is sitting behind him crossed-legged examining the back of his head.</p><p>‘It’s okay, Cal.’ Ashton says.</p><p>‘No, I am an idiot.’ He mumbles. ‘I always do this. I make up these versions of people in my head that are absolute bullshit, romanticising them and getting my feelings hurt over shit that wasn’t even there to begin with.’</p><p>‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, we all have those tendencies.’ Ashton answers. ‘When you live in Miles City, daydream is really all you can do.’</p><p>Calum is silent for a while.</p><p>‘I want to leave so bad.’ He then says. Nobody answers, they all just kind of sit in that feeling. They’ll be applying for colleges soon, and Calum doesn’t even really care where he ends up or what he will do there; as long as he can get out of Montana.</p><p>They watch an uninteresting action movie and eat cheetos. Calum curls up in bed around his best friends, who are not scared to cuddle with a boy who likes boys, and starts his silent mental journey of recovering and getting back up. He does not know how much more of that he can take.</p><p> </p><p>Around six PM, Calum heads home. He lives in a small, three-bedroom house on the outskirts of town, right by Bender Park. It’s a quiet residential area with rusty old cars on the side of the road and dogs chained up outside of houses. Calum feels safe here for about as long as the sun stays up – it’s nothing like Luke’s gated residential or even like Michael’s house that’s just in a nicer part of the city, right by the United Christian Church.</p><p>“For easy access.” Michael would joke. “Are you coming to my exorcism this weekend?”</p><p>Calum opens the screen door and pulls his keys out of his pocket, letting himself in. His mum is in the kitchen, stirring in a big pan of pasta sauce. He kisses her on her cheek.</p><p>‘Can I help?’ He asks her.</p><p>‘I’m all good darling, Mali is helping me.’</p><p>Mali-Koa appears in the kitchen. Calum hugs her and smiles at his big sister – apart from his two best friends, she has been his rock his whole life. He came out to her first when he was around fifteen. Calum came out to the rest of his family later, when he was seventeen, and though his dad has had some trouble adjusting to it, overall they’ve been wonderful. The only reason he can hold it together at school is knowing he can come home to people that accept him.</p><p>‘I’ll be in my room.’ He tells his mom and sister before heading up the stairs. There is a small landing; his room at the end of the hall, Mali’s room right by the bathroom and his parents’ room on the other side of the stairs.</p><p>He closes the door to his room behind him and let’s himself fall onto his bed. He is able to relax for maybe twenty minutes before he hears his mom call his name from the bottom of the stairs. He sighs deeply into his pillow, pushes himself up and heads down the stairs. Halfway down, he stops dead in his tracks.</p><p>On the bottom of the stairs, in the hallway inches away from his mom, he sees Luke. Signature black skinny jeans, leather jacket, blue eyed Luke.</p><p>His mom raises his eyebrows at him, noticing the energy shift. She looks back at Luke and then at Calum again.</p><p>‘I’m here to pick you up so we can go work on the project, remember?’ Luke says. Calum doesn’t understand why he shows up here, why it’s necessary to even taunt him in his own home, but he does know this is ending here. There is a line you do not cross, and that line is the threshold to his house.</p><p>‘Yeah, cool.’ He answers. He passes his mom, quickly kisses her on the cheek to reassure her. ‘I forgot to tell you mom, we have a school project to work on. I won’t be joining for dinner.’</p><p>‘No worries love. Let me know where you are.’ She says, casting him a look. Calum smiles and nods, grabs his jacket and gestures for Luke to get out of the house. The boy leads the way to his truck, parked on a lawn a few houses down. Before reaching there, Calum stops on the side of the road.</p><p>‘So what do you want?’ Calum says. He feels stronger now that he is close his own home, to his own people that love him, less like the nervous boy he was hours ago in school. Luke turns around, his face apologetic. Nothing about him seems angry or malicious anymore and Calum can barely keep up with the sudden changes in his behaviour.</p><p>‘I really am sorry, Calum.’ Luke mumbles. ‘I panicked. I thought what happened was a dream, I was so drunk. But then you mentioned it and I just… panicked.’</p><p>‘Why?’ Calum asks. He’s got his arms crossed over his chest, his jacket hanging in between them. Luke motions to his car.</p><p>‘Can we go somewhere to talk?’</p><p>‘You seriously think I am stepping into that car with you?’ Calum has to laugh. ‘So you can take me somewhere and beat the shit out of me? Or worse.’</p><p>The words hang in between them, the silence filling in all the possible “or worse” scenarios.</p><p>‘Please.’ Luke is almost pleading now. ‘I won’t do anything. I promise. On Fleetwood. I just want to talk.’</p><p>Calum looks him up and down, still suspicious. But that Fleetwood comment kind of got him, and Calum is helpless to deny the pull he feels towards Luke. He signs and nods slowly. Luke smiles carefully and walks the last bit to his car, pulling open the driver’s door. Calum climbs into the passenger’s seat and pulls the squeaky door shut.</p><p>‘She old.’ He comments on Luke’s car with a fake hillbilly kind of accent. Luke laughs softly.</p><p>‘Yeah. Used to be my uncle’s.’ He says, as though that explains the rust stains on the outside and the engine rattling loudly as he starts it.</p><p>Luke starts driving towards the centre of the city. The sky is turning pink, yellow and orange and Calum distracts his nervous brain by admiring the colours. Luke turns on the 59 and starts heading out of town. They cross Yellowstone river, pass the airport and soon find themselves on a strip of deserted highway, framed by distant mountains. Calum knows some of the reserves and national parks in this area, knows they’re heading towards the town of Jordan, towards the Missouri River that flows into the beautiful Fort Peck Lake.</p><p>‘Where are we going?’ He asks. He tries not to sound too nervous.</p><p>‘I’m sorry, I’m acting creepy.’ Now Luke is the one that sounds nervous. ‘Just… out of town a bit. I know a diner on this road. I just don’t really want to run into anyone from Miles City, if that makes sense.’</p><p>‘Yeah, no, that definitely made you sound less creepy.’ Calum mumbles. Luke laughs softly and Calum can’t help but smile a little.</p><p>‘Turn on some music that will help this weird mood.’ Luke answers. Calum nods and reaches over to the radio to find an actual cassette player.</p><p>‘You are joking.’ He mumbles.</p><p>‘Cassettes are in the glove compartment. You’d be surprised how many bands do them nowadays, trying to be artsie and stuff.’</p><p>‘Hm.’ Calum just hums as he rummages through the cassettes. After a bit he pulls out one by Sticky Fingers.</p><p>‘I like this album.’ He says softly. Luke glances over, takes the cassette from him and pushes it into the player.</p><p>‘Can you skip songs on this thing?’ Calum asks. Luke laughs.</p><p>‘No, you gotta fast forward.’</p><p>‘Jesus.’ Calum mumbles, making Luke laugh again. He finds that he quite likes making the boy laugh.</p><p>Calum fast forwards through the album until he reaches “These Girls”. Soft guitar and a sensual voice fills the car.</p><p>‘This one is genius.’ Luke comments. ‘I love that lyric “even when I look discretely down into her eyes, I’ll be thinking about the time I spend in between your thighs.”’</p><p>Calum blushes. ‘Yeah.’ He agrees. ‘It’s really good.’</p><p> </p><p>They end up driving for about half an hour north. They don’t talk much. Calum still feels nervous but tries to approach it with logic: why would Luke drive so far out of the city just to beat him up when he could do so behind the deli two minutes from his house? It’s not like anyone would be surprised about that. No, the boy wouldn’t go to such lengths to do something to Calum.</p><p>Calum sees the lights of a diner in the distance. A bright neon sign standing out in the darkness of Montana outback reads “Wolfer’s Diner &amp; Restaurant”. Luke slows down and pulls into a parking lot. There are a few other cars, but it’s quiet. Calum gets out of the car and wraps his arms around himself; the sun has almost gone down completely and the nights are getting colder now in Montana. The stars are hidden behind thick clouds.</p><p>Luke locks the car and Calum follows him inside. The floor is a light-and-dark-brown checkerboard, the walls are covered from floor to ceiling in pictures, drawings, post-its and notes of foreign currency. With just one glance Calum can see dozens of hand-written notes from customers thanking the staff, talking about their food or just confirming they were there. He is surprised how many people seemed to have passed this diner.</p><p>They get sat by a waitress. They squeeze into a green leather booth somewhere at the back of the restaurant. Luke grabs the menu, Calum sits on his hands and looks around a bit.</p><p>‘Are you hungry?’ Luke then asks.</p><p>‘Why are we here?’ Calum shoots back. He feels uncomfortable and nervous, almost like there is something waiting to happen. Something bad.</p><p>‘I wanted to talk.’ Luke says now, setting down the menu.</p><p>‘Then talk.’ Calum means it to sound irritated, but it really just sounds defeated. He looks down at the shiny surface of the table to avoid Luke’s eyes.</p><p>‘Okay.’ Luke says. ‘I am sorry about today. I didn’t mean to hurt or scare you. But… I thought what had happened, at your friend’s house. I thought it was a dream? I know that sounds so stupid. But I was so drunk. And then you just brought it up like that. I was scared someone would overhear.’</p><p>‘That someone would overhear you were nice to the gay guy of Miles City High?’ Calum says, now looking up. Luke has a pained look on his face. But Calum just frowns. ‘If you brought me over here just to tell me to shut my mouth about the other night…’</p><p>‘No.’ Luke interrupts him. ‘I do want to be your friend.’</p><p>‘My friend? You must be joking?’ Calum wants to say more, but they’re interrupted by the waitress coming to their table.</p><p>‘What can I get you guys?’ She asks, notepad in hand. Calum looks up and her and back at Luke, who stumbles over his words.</p><p>‘Can we, uhm, we need a couple more minutes?’</p><p>The girl just raises her eyebrows and nods, leaving them alone again. Luke looks back at Calum.</p><p>‘So let me just remind you, the first night I met you, you called me a faggot.’ Calum continues. With every word, Luke’s face gets more red. ‘Then you straight-up pretended I did not exist, which was totally cool with me. But then you serenated me when you were drunk as hell, forgot about it, assaulted me when you learned I remembered and <em>now,</em> Luke Hemmings, you want to be <em>my friend</em>?’</p><p>Luke swallows audibly and lays his hands flat on the table.</p><p>‘I can explain.’ He mumbles.</p><p>‘Yeah I don’t really need to hear that.’</p><p>Calum get’s up and walks to the exit. He walks with confidence even though he knows Luke is the only way to get back home. He is furious the boy trapped him here, that he was even dumb enough to go with him, that he is now talking about being friends when he made Calum feel horrible just hours before. Who does he think he is? Why does he think he can just toy with Calum like this?</p><p>When he steps outside it’s pouring rain. He groans and steps into the night, his clothes almost immediately soaked as he marches towards Luke’s truck. Behind him, Luke runs out.</p><p>‘Calum!’ He shouts at him.</p><p>‘Get in the car and take me back to Miles City right now!’ Calum yells back, turning around. Luke runs through puddles until he reaches him.</p><p>‘I’m sorry, okay?’ Luke raises his voice. And Luke has the audacity to sound annoyed! As if Calum is being difficult!</p><p>‘Why won’t you leave me alone?!’ Calum screams back, his arms wrapped around himself. ‘Why take me out here? What is your problem?!’ Water is dripping from the tip of his nose. Luke’s hair is dripping, his t-shirt stuck to his skin.</p><p>‘You said I couldn’t tell you anything you haven’t heard before.’ Luke then says.</p><p>‘What?’</p><p>‘The night we met. At my house. You said that.’</p><p>‘And what about it?’ Calum says, annoyed.</p><p>‘I’m gay.’</p><p>Calum feels like he was slapped in the face. The silence between them feels heavy then. The only sound they hear is cars on the highway and rain pouring down onto them. Calum’s mouth is hanging open and Luke’s face looks panicked. Calum wants to say something, but before he can, Luke backs him up against the truck and kisses him.</p><p>Calum doesn’t know what to do at first. His arms hang beside his body as he kisses Luke back. Luke’s lips are soft but his movements are urgent, his hands on Calum’s jaw. His whole body is pressed up against Calum’s and it feels more intense because they’re both soaking wet. Then Calum’s hand finds Luke’s chest. Another reaches up to his face and cups his jaw. Luke’s hands move to his waist and pull him closer, cold hands slipping under his shirt and touching the small of his back. Their mouths open and he tastes Luke’s tongue mixed with rain. Calum can’t help but let out a tiny whine; he’s never been kissed like this before. Never with this much passion. He’s never had a guy pressed up against him like this before.</p><p>Luke pulls back then and stares at Calum. He is panting and the panicked look in his eyes is still there. Calum’s lips are tingling and his heart is trying to break out of his chest.</p><p>‘I’m sorry.’ Luke chokes out. ‘I should’ve…’</p><p>‘Just don’t talk.’ It comes out almost like a plea. ‘Let’s just get inside.’</p><p>And Calum doesn’t really know what he’s asking for, but Luke nods and unlocks the car, opening the door to the backseat. He climbs in first and Calum follows. He’s nervous; Calum is a virgin and he doesn’t know if Luke is. Nevertheless he puts on a brave face and climbs on Luke’s lap, straddling him. The boy wraps his arms around Calum’s waist again and soon their lips find each other. The rain is slamming against the roof of the car.</p><p>It’s not long before Luke’s hands slip under Calum’s t-shirt again. Calum let’s out small moans at the contact and shivers at Luke’s cold hands. Luke peels Calum’s shirt off over his head and he lets him before watching him take off his own as well. Calum blushes at Luke’s toned chest; he is so beautiful and fit, much more than Calum himself.</p><p>Luke flips them over, Calum’s back landing on the seats. Calum moans at the pressure of Luke’s hips in between his thighs. There are layers of clothing in between them but the almost-contact drives Calum crazy. He’s never gone this far with a boy and it all feels so intense.</p><p>Luke is kissing his neck and then reaches for Calum’s belt. Panic spikes up in Calum’s chest and he grips Luke’s hand before he can unbuckle it.</p><p>‘I’m a virgin.’ He says quickly. Luke looks up from Calum’s neck and nods, kissing the boy again messily.</p><p>‘Don’t wanna have sex.’ Luke answers. ‘I just wanna suck you off.’</p><p>Calum let’s out a shaky breath and nods. ‘Okay.’ He says quickly.</p><p>Luke grins and it heats Calum’s cheeks. The boy sits up and unbuckles Calum’s belt, then unbuttons his jeans and pulls them down his legs. Once they’re off, Luke pulls down his boxers. Calum is already rock hard and moans loudly when Luke takes him into his hand and strokes him slowly, his hand tight on him.</p><p>‘Jesus.’ He chokes out. And he sounds so dirty, so raw. Calum loves the sound of his voice like this. Loves trying out moaning and sounding like the boys in the porn he has seen before. Sensual and <em>wanting</em>.</p><p>Luke comes down again, kissing him. It’s not long before he starts a trail of kisses down Calum’s chest. When he takes Calum into his mouth, the boy whines and finds the back of Luke’s head with his hand, stroking his hair slowly. Luke bobs up and down, his eyes closed, beautiful dirty sounds coming from his mouth. His tongue is swirling around Calum’s length, as if he wants to take in all of his taste. Calum’s face is hot, his body feels hot, he’s sweating and writhing underneath Luke.</p><p>Luke speeds up and Calum is groaning, his hand now grabbing Luke’s hair harder and pulling a little bit. He is so into the moment he comes hard and fast without a warning; taking Luke by surprise who pulls back. Some of it lands on his face, some on his chest. He strokes Calum through it, who is on a complete other planet until he comes down from the rush and locks eyes with Luke.</p><p>‘Oh, shit, sorry. I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention…’ He pants, his chest rising and falling fast.</p><p>‘It’s okay.’ Luke smiles sweetly, heating Calum’s face again. His lips are red and wet and Calum pulls him in for another heated kiss, their chests pressed together again. He reaches for Luke’s belt, but Luke stops him.</p><p>‘I’m okay.’ Luke says quietly. ‘You don’t need to.’</p><p>And Calum feels a bit shy now so he just nods. Luke sit’s up and Calum does too. The rain has almost stopped and is just a gentle drizzle now. It’s warm in the car and the windows have fogged up. Calum feels weird; he is in the afterglow of an orgasm and really just wants to be held but Luke doesn’t seem to want that too. He bends down to find his boxers and slides them up his legs, covering most of himself.</p><p>He was so into the moment he didn’t give getting his first blowjob in a car by a guy that has been horrible to him a second thought. But now that Luke is sitting there, a distant look on his face, Calum starts to feel worse and worse.</p><p>‘So… you’re gay.’ Calum then says, trying to get Luke’s attention back. Luke is sitting staring at his hands. He used his t-shirt that is now disregarded on the floor to clean himself up. He refuses to make eye-contact with Calum.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ He then says quietly. He finally looks up, scared blue eyes meeting Calum. ‘Nobody can know. Nobody at school or in town or anywhere.’</p><p>‘Why?’ Calum mumbles.</p><p>‘Because they’ll… they’ll terrorise me.’ Luke sighs. ‘They’ll hate me and I just… I just don’t want every day to be a fight.’</p><p>Calum looks down at his hands in his lap. Like me, he thinks. They’ll treat you like me.</p><p>He bends down to grab his t-shirt and pulls it over his head. Luke hands him his jeans, which are a bit more difficult to put on. He has to stretch all over Luke who laughs a bit. The tension in the car is released slightly.</p><p>‘I just want you to know that I don’t want to do that whole “hiding” thing.’ Calum then says. ‘I don’t want to be with someone who is in the closet.’</p><p>Luke looks disappointed then and it hurts Calum more than he thought. Nevertheless Luke nods.</p><p>‘I understand.’ He says. ‘Just know that I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay. I want to be your friend because you make me feel better about myself.’</p><p>Calum doesn’t understand why Luke would say he doesn’t actually think there is something wrong with being gay as he called him such a horrible slur the first time they met, but he decides not to say anything. Calum understands that Luke doesn’t want to come out, he really does. Because sometimes it does feel like every day is a fight and he doesn’t wish that on anybody.</p><p>‘We can be friends.’ Calum says softly. ‘We can hang out. Play videogames and what not.’</p><p>Luke looks over at him and gives him a thankful smile.</p><p>It’s going to be hard to be friends with you, Calum just thinks. All he really wants to do is kiss Luke again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><h1>
  <strike>,</strike>
</h1><p> </p><p> </p><p>They try to be friends. It mostly consists of Luke ignoring Calum in school and then meeting up with him afterwards. Sometimes they hang out at his house and his mum cooks for them. She and his sister like Luke quite a bit.</p><p>Calum doesn’t mean for it to happen, but sometimes they drive to the diner and mess around in Luke’s truck. Every time Calum wants to return the favour, Luke turns him down. Calum tries to not let it bother him and that’s somewhat easy when Luke has him pressed down against the car seats, hand pumping his length fast, his chest wet with sweat.</p><p>They talk. About music, about books. About their future plans and their families. Luke lives with his aunt and uncle. He does not tell Calum about his past, or if his aunt and uncle know about him being gay. After being shut down several times, Calum stops asking. But he is enjoying their talks and he finds himself liking Luke more and more. The boy is actually quite gentle when not surrounded by his school friends. He listens to Calum, asks him questions and seems genuinely interested in what he has to say. They get to know each other and Luke remembers things, like the fact that Calum hates pickles. When they go to the diner he automatically order’s Calum’s burger without.</p><p> </p><p>Ashton and Michael find out. Michael isn’t bothered and writes it off with a simple ‘fuck whoever you want’, which has been his personal motto for the past few weeks. Ashton is more concerned.</p><p>‘Doesn’t it bother you?’ He asks when they’re sitting together in the cafeteria once afternoon. Fall is coming to an end and turning into winter. Temperatures are dropping and Calum hates it, can’t understand why Luke likes winter so much. The only nice thing is that soon there might be snow – at least snow makes everything look pretty.</p><p>Ashton, Michael and himself are sitting in the far corner of the cafeteria on a round table. Michael is shoving fries into his mouth, Calum is sitting with his legs pulled up, his arms around his knees.</p><p>‘Not really.’ Calum lies. He knows Ashton can probably tell. ‘It’s not like I plan on marrying him.’</p><p>‘Do you guys have sex?’ Ashton asks, his eyebrows raised. Calum shakes his head.</p><p>‘We haven’t. Yet.’</p><p>‘You’re going to?’</p><p>‘I don’t know, Ash, maybe.’ Calum mumbles, a bit annoyed now. ‘What does it matter?’</p><p>‘Don’t you want to do it with someone who actually loves you?’</p><p>And it hurts, his comment. Because Ashton is Calum’s friend and refuses to support him when it comes to Luke. Because Calum also knows he might be right.</p><p>‘Nice, I like this new judgemental tone.’ Calum bites back. ‘Are you a relationship expert now?’</p><p>Ashton frowns. ‘I am not trying to be judgemental. I am trying to make you see you are gonna get your feelings hurt.’</p><p>‘I can look out for my own feelings, thanks.’ Calum answers, rolling his eyes. ‘For the first time in my life somebody is actually paying attention to me, you know? Someone actually wants to touch me. Maybe he is…’</p><p>But Calum is interrupted by a football landing on their table with a loud bang. Michael’s drink spills and he jumps up, his chair clattering to the ground loudly behind him. Food is flying everywhere. Calum let’s out a high-pitched scream. They all look up towards a round table on the other side of the cafeteria where a bunch of football players are laughing at them.</p><p>Luke is amongst them. He looks up, makes eye-contact with Calum and goes straight back to looking at his phone, his face radiating boredom. Calum looks back at Ashton, who caught the moment.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ Ashton mumbles. ‘He <em>clearly </em>gives you all of his undivided attention.’</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks later they get invited to another party at Luke’s. His aunt and uncle are on a weekend trip. At first Ashton doesn’t want to go, but Michael convinces him. They pile up in his truck and drive across town to the cul-de-sac. The Weeknd is blasting as they pull up and Calum wonders if Luke ever has to deal with angry neighbours. If they tell his aunt and uncle. If they care.</p><p>Ashton parks in front of the house and kills the radio. When he steps out of the car he looks tense. Michael nudges him with his shoulder and gets a smile out of the boy. The three of them walk up to the front door that’s unlocked.</p><p>Calum hasn’t been back to Luke’s house since the first time they met. The living room and kitchen are packed and Michael fetches them three beers. They make their way to the garden. The big pool is covered for the season and the air is cold. They can see their breaths in the air, mixing with cigarette smoke from the other people out there. They slowly sip their beers while chatting and Calum feels good. He’s happy for his friends then; for their company and how they’ve always stood by him. Even when he does stuff they disagree with. Michael is slowly recovering from his break-up and isn’t as reckless anymore, Ashton has dropped the subject of him and Luke and Calum is grateful for that.</p><p>When they finish their beers they head back inside. Calum feels cold and he wants to dance. Ashton disappears back into the kitchen but Michael follows Calum to the dancefloor in the middle of the living room.</p><p>They dance for a while. Ashton comes back with more drinks and joins them. Calum drinks fast and feels loose. He is having a good time with his friends and a light alcohol buzz is coming over him. Ashton’s curls are bouncing when he dances and he laughs. Michael is acting silly as always.</p><p>When it’s Calum’s turn to get another round of drinks he makes his way to the kitchen, a bit dizzy.</p><p>He pulls the fridge open and takes out three beers. He closes the door, turns around and, out of shock, drops all three beers. They hit the floor and shatter immediately, beer and glass going everywhere. Somebody next to him shoves him. People shout at him. Luke looks up from where he had his lips on a petite brunette girl. His head turns and his eyes find Calum. Within seconds he is on Calum, his hand wrapping around the boys bicep and dragging him out of the kitchen before his friends can beat him up him for making a mess and wasting alcohol.</p><p>Luke drags Calum into the hallway. He looks around, finds there is nobody there and takes him up the stairs. Calum stumbles after him but halts in the upstairs hallway. He aggressively pulls his arm free from Luke’s grasp.</p><p>‘What the fuck, Luke?!’ He yells. Luke turns around and looks pained. His hands go to his hair and he strokes it nervously.</p><p>‘Please just come into my room.’ And he’s using that soft voice again, pointing to the door behind him at the end of the hallway. That voice he uses on Calum when he’s apologizes for being an asshole to him in school, whispering how sorry he is with a hand wrapped around his dick on the backseat of his car. But Calum is not going to let him get away with it this time.</p><p>‘No, fuck that! Who do you think you are?’</p><p>‘Fine.’ Luke responds, throwing up his hands. ‘Stay out here then.’</p><p>He turns away and goes into the room. Calum is raging. He marches after Luke into his bedroom and slams the door shut behind him so hard it seems to make the walls shake.</p><p>‘What the fuck was that?’ Calum yells at Luke who’s sitting on the end of his queen-size bed. Luke sighs.</p><p>‘It didn’t mean anything.’</p><p>‘Are you sure?’ Calum continues. ‘Cause you seemed pretty into it just now!’</p><p>‘They were mocking me, okay?’ Luke looks up now, annoyed. ‘The guys on the football team. For never getting with anyone.’</p><p>‘Oh wow, okay, your pride is really that fragile.’ Calum spits at him, crossing his arms. Luke stands up now too and raises his voice.</p><p>‘It’s not easy okay? There is a pressure to being friends with those guys!’</p><p>Calum has to laugh.</p><p>‘You actually think they are your friends?’ He says, a disgusted look on his face.</p><p>‘Why do you care anyway?’ Luke says then. He narrows his eyes. ‘We’re not together, you know?’</p><p>And Calum groans because he <em>knew </em>this would happen. He knew that messing around with someone in the closet would ultimately fuck him over, that he would always throw it back to not-being-officially-together and use it to justify hurting Calum’s feelings.</p><p>‘Yeah, I know that.’ Calum says, throwing up his hands. ‘Are you grossed out by all gays or is it just me?’</p><p>‘Why the fuck would you say that?!’ Luke shouts, an angry look on his face.</p><p>‘Oh, I don’t know! Maybe because you never let me touch you!’</p><p>‘Oh, fuck you!’ Luke screams then. Calum is a bit taken aback by how harsh his voice sounds then. ‘I’ll fucking show you why, if you want to know so desperately!’</p><p>And Luke starts to unbuckle his belt. Calum stakes a step back, a bit panicked now.</p><p>‘What are you doing?’ He says, but Luke doesn’t answer. His jeans drop to the floor and Calum gasps despite of himself.</p><p>Luke’s legs.</p><p>Calum hasn’t really seen anything like it before. The skin looks melted and scarred. The patterns on it almost like wavy water. His feet are the worst; he is missing toes and the skin there is angry red. Calum hates himself for it but it is so hard to look at. He covers his mouth and looks away. And it all makes sense to him now; the long sweatpants in summer, the constant rejection when Calum tried to make a move, even how the boy is never anywhere to be found when they change after PE.</p><p>They are silent for what feels like an eternity.</p><p>‘What happened?’ Calum then asks, his voice shaky, eyes on the floor. Luke isn’t quiet. He almost shouts when he speaks.</p><p>‘I was in Salt Lake City. I came out to my parents and my school. And they fucking hated it!’ He steps out of his jeans. His face is red and Calum can hear the tears in his voice.</p><p>‘One night after visiting a friend, I drove home drunk. I parked my car in the driveway and fell asleep in the driver’s seat.’ Luke is full-on crying now, his words coming out a bit slurred but Calum registers every single one of them perfectly.</p><p>‘Some guys from my school came to my house. Wanted to send me a message.’</p><p>And Calum wants him to stop talking. He gets the point. He understands. Every word hurts now. But Luke doesn’t stop.</p><p>‘And they set my car on fire!’ He yells. A horrible, pained sob escapes his mouth. Calum is standing with his hands over his mouth, tears streaming down his own cheeks.</p><p>‘I woke up in the hospital. They never found out who did it but my parents decided it wasn’t safe for me to stay so they send me here. Asked me to please keep a low profile. To keep myself save.’</p><p>Now Luke looks up at Calum.</p><p>‘And then you show up! And you remind me of everything I hate about myself. Of what I can’t help about myself. Of what caused this!’ He gestures to his legs. Calum is crying, sobs falling from his lips.</p><p>‘I’m s-sorry.’ He stutters.</p><p>Luke just stands there now, crying, his arms around himself. Calum doesn’t know what to do. What Luke will allow him to do. But then Luke comes to him and wraps his arms around him. Calum gasps and pulls Luke in. He buries his face in the crook of Luke’s neck and they cry together. It takes a while for Luke to calm down, but when he does he leans back and kisses Calum. Calum kisses him back with as much love he can muster.</p><p>‘I didn’t mean that.’ Luke says quickly when he pulls away. ‘You don’t remind me of what I hate about myself. I shouldn’t have said that.’</p><p>‘It’s okay.’ Calum says through his tears. Their lips meet again. Calum is desperate for it. Luke backs him up until his back hits the wall. Calum’s shirt is off in seconds, his belt unblocked next. Luke shoves a hand down his boxers and Calum whines.</p><p>They are naked when they hit the bed. Luke straddles Calum, and the brunette carefully places his hands on Luke’s thighs. The skin there feels like rubber, rough under his fingertips. It goes up to the top of his thighs, but the skin there isn’t as bad as on the blonde’s shins and feet. Luke watches silently as Calum traces patterns over it. The brunette looks up and their eyes lock.</p><p>‘Does it still hurt?’ Calum whispers. Luke shakes his head.</p><p>‘Do you still have feeling there? Like if I touch you here…’ Calum drags his fingers over the scarred inside of Luke’s thigh.</p><p>‘Yeah. Feels weird though. Nobody has touched it before.’</p><p>Calum nods and they are kissing again. His hips thrust up to meet Luke’s and the blonde moans against Calum’s shoulder. Calum reaches down and takes Luke in his hand, stroking slowly and firmly. He is nervous; he hasn’t touched Luke like this before while Luke has been so skilled. But Luke seems to enjoy it, if his moans are anything to go by.</p><p>‘Can I blow you?’ Calum asks then, lips touching Luke’s without really kissing.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ Luke breathes out. ‘Please.’</p><p>Calum nods and Luke carefully rolls off him. Calum trails kisses down the boy’s chest. He is nervous, having Luke’s dick so close to his face, but he acts brave and licks a strip from base to tip. Luke sighs heavily and combs his fingers through Calum’s hair.</p><p>Calum starts to suck on the tip and takes in the salty flavour. It’s not as bad as he thought it would be, and feeling brave he takes the rest of Luke into his mouth. His tongue swirls around Luke’s length and he realises that he likes it, that he enjoys the taste and the feeling of Luke filling up his mouth.</p><p>‘Oh baby…’ Luke groans, his hips carefully thrusting up. Calum bobs his head faster but is stopped by Luke after a while who urges him to come back up. Luke kisses him passionately.</p><p>‘Want you.’ Luke mumbles after a while. Calum sighs, burying his head in the crook of Luke’s neck.</p><p>‘I’ve never…yeah. I dunno.’ He whispers, a little embarrassed.</p><p>‘S’okay, I can prep myself.’ Luke mumbles and it makes Calum’s skin heat up realising what Luke means.</p><p>‘O-okay.’ Calum breathes out. ‘Yeah. Want you too.’</p><p>Luke nods and kisses the brunette again. Calum’s heart is racing now and his hands are shaking a bit when Luke goes to lay down right next to him. He reaches over to his nightstand and fishes out a bottle of lube. Calum watches nervously and extends his arm so Luke’s head can rest on it.</p><p>Their hips and shoulders are pressed together as Luke pulls up his legs and reaches in-between them. Calum uses his free hand to slowly pump his dick, watching as the blonde let’s out a strangled moan at the first finger.</p><p>‘Fuck.’ Calum mumbles. Luke whines and turns his head to the side. Calum gets the message and kisses the blonde, swallowing his soft moans. They kiss through the whole thing. After a while, when Luke moans he’s ready, Calum decides he needs to take charge a bit and rolls himself in-between Luke’s legs. The boy’s mouth is ajar and he nods as Calum rubs his dick against the blonde’s hole, slowly up and down.</p><p>‘Ready?’ Calum breathes out. Luke just nods frantically. A loud moan escapes him when Calum pushes past the rim. It’s tight and Calum feels dizzy, supporting himself on his lower arms and knees. Luke’s hands roam his back and settle wrapped around his shoulders as Calum pushes in further.</p><p>‘You okay?’ Calum checks. His heart is hammering in his chest and he can’t help but kiss every inch of Luke’s face, their bodies pressed together.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ Luke breathes out. ‘You feel really good. You okay?’</p><p>Calum moans, nods and starts moving. It’s slow at first, but it feels so good Calum can hardly keep himself from speeding up. Luke just moans and marks up Calum’s neck, whispering encouragements to the brunette. Calum pushes himself up, looking down at Luke with his legs pressed to his chest and his blissful expression. Compliments are on Calum’s lips but Luke speaks first.</p><p>‘Wanna ride you.’ He then chokes out, forcing a groan out of Calum.</p><p>‘Yeah. Please.’ The brunette moans. He detaches himself from Luke and rolls onto this back, his thighs arcing a bit. Luke wastes no time settling on his hips. Calum blushes at the state of Luke; red lips wet and parted, lean chest and stomach and his hands firmly planted on Calum’s chest. Their dicks are touching and Luke takes Calum’s into his hand, stroking slowly, looking at it with an almost admiring look on his face.</p><p>‘You look <em>so</em> hot like this.’ Calum blurts out when Luke sinks down on him.</p><p>‘F-fuck.’ Luke chokes out. His legs are shaking a bit and he starts moving slowly. ‘Can you… please talk more.’</p><p>Calum fixes a right grip on Luke’s hips as the boy starts bouncing.</p><p>‘You are so gorgeous.’ Calum starts. ‘Every time I saw you at school. Couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. Used to stare at the back of your head thinking about being with you in the back of your car.’</p><p>‘Calum…’ Luke whines. He is full on bouncing now, his brows furrowed, loud moans falling from his lips. ‘Fuck! Baby, please…’</p><p>He looks like a masterpiece and Calum can feel the burn low in his stomach, indicating that he won’t last. He starts thrusting up in time with Luke’s bounces.</p><p>‘Gonna come, baby.’ He chokes out. Their eyes lock and Luke comes over both of their stomachs, a silent moan on his lips. Calum goes straight after, his hands slowly releasing their death-grip on Luke’s hips and his muscles going slack.</p><p> </p><p>Afterwards they lay together in Luke’s bed. The bass of the party still going on downstairs travels through the floor. It’s warm in Luke’s room, and a calm has settled over Calum. It’s almost like the world outside the blonde’s bedroom doesn’t really exist anymore and all he has to worry about is how comfortable it is to lay under the blue sheets with Luke pressed against him.</p><p>‘I’m sorry if I was a dick just now.’ Luke says softly. His head is on Calum’s chest, their legs intertwined. The boy is soft and clings onto him, miles away from the cocky jock image he upholds around anyone else.</p><p>‘It’s okay.’ Calum says, stroking through the boy’s soft blonde hair.</p><p>‘I don’t mean that you have it easy or anything.’</p><p>‘It’s not a contest.’ Calum says softly.</p><p>‘Yeah. I know. But you struggle too.’</p><p>Calum sighs, Luke’s words from their fight earlier replaying in his head.</p><p>‘I just hope you know that you being gay is not what caused… what happened.’ He then says softly. ‘What caused it were ignorant, hateful people. You did nothing wrong.’</p><p>‘Sometimes I feel that it’s all wrong.’ Luke whispers. ‘But now… I am sort of on the other side. And it’s true what you said. Or implied, anyway. That they are not my friends. Cause they’re not. They don’t even know me, and they have no intention to. They just like my house and the parties and that I can run fast.’</p><p>Calum’s hand massages Luke’s shoulder, then trails slowly down his back to his bum. He squeezes and makes Luke giggle.</p><p>‘You want to come hang out with me and my friends sometime?’ The brunette asks then. Luke lifts himself up and beams at him.</p><p>‘I’d like that.’</p><p>Calum smiles sweetly and kisses the blonde.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>A week later Luke is sitting on the backseat of Ashton’s truck, his hand intertwined with Calum’s. Michael is going on about a new movie he’s seen. Every once in a while Calum catches Ashton’s eyes as he looks at him through the rear-view mirror.</p><p>Since Luke showed Calum his secret, things changed. At school, Luke would throw him shy smiles, and would actually come and talk to him a few times when the brunette would be at his locker.</p><p>The change was subtle, but Ashton and Michael had a tendency to keep tabs on the people who hung around Calum and noticed straight away. When Calum told them they had slept together Ashton was a bit sceptical at first, but they could all see how Luke had gravitated more towards Calum and wasn’t as scared to show it anymore.</p><p>Calum had proposed for him to join the three of them on a trip to Yellowstone. It was a good six-hour drive, and the four them had been chatting the whole way. Calum was happy with his friends, almost proud as they asked Luke questions and included him in the topics they like to talk about. Their music taste is quite similar, and it made Calum feel warm when he saw Luke laugh and joke with his friends.</p><p>Luke still spends time with his ‘friends’ form the football team sometimes, but mostly hangs around Calum’s now after school. Luke’s friends don’t even really seem to notice his absence.</p><p>When they arrive at their hotel, it’s dark out. The air is freezing cold as they make their way from the truck into the small motel. It’s snowing lightly and when they make it in Luke affectionately brushes the snowflakes out of Calum’s curls. Getting out of Miles City has a calming effect on Luke, Calum can almost physically feel the muscles in Luke’s arms relax as they get further away from the place. He hopes that his friends have a positive effect on him too; Luke’s not shy about touching Calum or holding his hand around Ashton and Michael.</p><p>Ash and Mike share a room and so do Luke and Calum.</p><p>They take a warm shower together and soon they are cuddled up together in the creaky motel bed.</p><p>‘Your friends are really nice.’ Luke says softly. Calum is laying on the boy’s chest, enjoying the blonde’s warm skin on his.</p><p>‘They like you.’ Calum answers.</p><p>They are quiet for a while, but then Luke speaks up again.</p><p>‘Sometimes I think about how it can be like this always.’ Luke whispers. His fingers are combing through Calum’s hair. ‘I just… I feel so nervous when we are in school. So watched. But I know it hurts you.’</p><p>‘It’s okay.’ Calum says. He has a tendency to downplay things that bother him to make sure others won’t feel bad for him.</p><p>‘It hurts me too.’ Luke sighs.</p><p>‘Sometimes I am glad, honestly. I am very happy when it’s just us, at my house or yours. I am scared that people will be horrible when they find out. Like you said. You don’t want every day to be a battle.’</p><p>‘It’ll be easier with you by my side, though.’ Luke says, now stroking Calum’s back. ‘But yeah, it’s nice to not have everyone give their opinion on us. Like we asked or something.’</p><p>Calum is quiet again as he leaves small kisses on Luke’s chest.</p><p>‘There’s always uni.’ He says then. He lifts himself up and looks down at Luke. ‘We could always… I mean, it depends on what you want.’</p><p>‘I don’t know what I want, to be honest. I want to go somewhere completely else.’</p><p>‘Me too.’</p><p>Luke smiles and leans up to kiss Calum.</p><p>‘I think I might just follow you around, then.’ He says softly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Not my best, not my worst. I’m sorry if you’re from Miles City and I just wrote +13k words about it sucking. </em>
  <em>Thank you for reading &amp; tips are welcome!</em>
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  <em>Love, Sav</em>
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